NFL Lockout - What To Do About Fantasy Football

I am worried about this NFL strike.  Outside of World Cup Soccer which happens only once every four years, NFL football is the only sport I care about.  Many people assume I'm a big sports fan, probably because I participate in many sports and I wear sweatbands. (Actually, I don't wear sweatbands but I will the moment they are back in style.) 

I'm not a rabid NFL fan but I appreciate the sport and it's been with me my entire life.  I was a four-year-old Florida-boy when the Bucs lost every game of their inaugural season.  I remember seeing the Raiders beat the Redskins in my grandfather's hospital room as he recovered from open heart surgery.  And I remember sitting with my dad and brother watching Dan Marino and the Dolphins on our 27-inch Magnavox.  In all these years of enjoying the NFL I've never supported a single team. 

In 2011, things were going to change.  I decided to swear loyalty to a single team.  I had big plans to buy a knit cap with my team colors and root, root, root every Sunday.  But with the strike lingering, my big year is in jeopardy.

My Team

Choosing my team has been a long-time coming.  Starting in 2000 I began evaluating teams worthy of my loyalty.  I don't like the idea of jumping on the bandwagon so I considered teams that were not known winners, such as the Minnesota Vikings, the New York Jets and the Cleveland Browns.  In 2004, I seriously considered the New Orleans Saints for support.  The Saints had never won anything.  They were an underdog.  In 2005 Katrina hit and the city and stadium went to ruins.  The Saints felt so right.  But then we moved to Europe and I forgot about football and before I declared my loyalty to the Saints they went and won the damn Superbowl.  The Saints were tainted by success.

Enter 2011.  I'm watching the Superbowl.  For 11 years I've been searching for my team and this commercial comes on: it's the Eminem commercial about Motor City.  It's cool.  Cool on so many levels.  The Diplomat asks me if there is a team in Detroit and I say, yes.  She asks if they suck (a requirement) and I say yes, indeed.  There on the spot we decided that the Detroit Lions would be my team.  The Diplomat was so moved that she swore loyalty to the Lions also.  The Lions' fanbase doubled that day.

The Lions are irresistible.  They have been around since 1930 and have a long history of losing.  The Lions have never even been in a Superbowl and in 2008 the Lions lost all 16 games.  The Lions might be the worst team ever but they are my team and when the Lions surprise the world and win the Superbowl this year then I can stand proud and say my team won the big one. 

What am I saying?  If the NFL lockout continues and there is no season then my beloved Lions can't win their first Superbowl.  I might have to wait an entire year to celebrate with my team.  Is that fair?  Do I deserve this?    

Waiting for my Lions win the Superbowl is only part of my problem with the NFL lockout.  The other problem: What will I do about Fantasy Football?

In case you don't know, I love Fantasy Football.  And in case you don't know what fantasy football is, I'll explain: in Fantasy Football you manage a "fantasy team" made up of a list of real NFL players and you compete against friends who have their own list of players.  Think of it like this: each Sunday we compare how my list of players does versus your list of players.  If my players have a really good week and my running back scores lots of touchdowns and my kicker kicks five field goals and you happen to have a quarterback who throws three interceptions and running back who fumbles twice then I'll probably win.  It's that simple.

But without an NFL season, the real players won't play, so there can be no fantasy league.  I can't live without my Lions and without fantasy.  That's like living without the Diplomat's credit card and beer .  What am I to do?

I have an idea.  Fantasy Fantasy Football. 

Whoa!  Mind-blowing, isn't it?  Fantasy Fantasy Football does not need greedy owners or dog-killing NFL players.  Fantasy Fantasy Football only needs your imagination.  Imagine, in light of an NFL strike, my friends and I could make up our fantasy scores each week.  Brilliant, isn't it? 

Not really.  I can see what would happen.  Week one comes around and everyone says their score is infinity.  It would be a season of ties.  Damn, that doesn't work. 

How about this?  Why not have fantasy scabs to fill the role of NFL players.  Instead of my team being made up of NFL players like Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings, why not sub-in college players into NFL roles?  For that matter, if we're talking fantasy Fantasy Football, then I could substitute my entire NFL line-up with baseball players and when my players hit a homerun, then it would be the equivalent of a touchdown.  Hell, I could use the cast of Glee for my fantasy fantasy team and every time the actors on my team sing I would score points.  Let's take it further.  We could use American Idol and every time Randy says dawg it's a field goal for me.  If Steven Tyler says something perverted, then you score.  Better yet, let's not use figures from American pop culture but let's use Middle Eastern countries.  Think about it.  We draft Middle Eastern countries.  Every country that rebels and overthrows a dictator during the NFL season scores as a touchdown.  That's it!  Now that is brilliant!  I'm working on my draft plan now.  I'd love to have Libya at quarterback, Bahrain and running back and Syria as my wide receiver.  With a team like that, a fantasy fantasy championship is almost certainly assured.  And it might take my mind off my poor Lions who have to wait until 2012 for a Superbowl. 

So who's in?

Comments

[mark from nrc]

Three words "Fox Soccer Network." You can watch "footie" from around the world and never even reaize that there is a strike on.

[Mom]

I'm in. I think I know as much about the Middle East as I do about the NFL and so I would hover there in the lower third of standings as I do most seasons of Fantasy Football. And I would be so impressed with myself since I would know so much more about current events in the Middle East. Wow! But we need to start now before they all blow themselves up and there's nothing left.