Gregory Kemp

NFL Lockout - What To Do About Fantasy Football

I am worried about this NFL strike.  Outside of World Cup Soccer which happens only once every four years, NFL football is the only sport I care about.  Many people assume I'm a big sports fan, probably because I participate in many sports and I wear sweatbands. (Actually, I don't wear sweatbands but I will the moment they are back in style.) 

I'm not a rabid NFL fan but I appreciate the sport and it's been with me my entire life.  I was a four-year-old Florida-boy when the Bucs lost every game of their inaugural season.  I remember seeing the Raiders beat the Redskins in my grandfather's hospital room as he recovered from open heart surgery.  And I remember sitting with my dad and brother watching Dan Marino and the Dolphins on our 27-inch Magnavox.  In all these years of enjoying the NFL I've never supported a single team. 

In 2011, things were going to change.  I decided to swear loyalty to a single team.  I had big plans to buy a knit cap with my team colors and root, root, root every Sunday.  But with the strike lingering, my big year is in jeopardy.

My Team

Choosing my team has been a long-time coming.  Starting in 2000 I began evaluating teams worthy of my loyalty.  I don't like the idea of jumping on the bandwagon so I considered teams that were not known winners, such as the Minnesota Vikings, the New York Jets and the Cleveland Browns.  In 2004, I seriously considered the New Orleans Saints for support.  The Saints had never won anything.  They were an underdog.  In 2005 Katrina hit and the city and stadium went to ruins.  The Saints felt so right.  But then we moved to Europe and I forgot about football and before I declared my loyalty to the Saints they went and won the damn Superbowl.  The Saints were tainted by success.

Enter 2011.  I'm watching the Superbowl.  For 11 years I've been searching for my team and this commercial comes on: it's the Eminem commercial about Motor City.  It's cool.  Cool on so many levels.  The Diplomat asks me if there is a team in Detroit and I say, yes.  She asks if they suck (a requirement) and I say yes, indeed.  There on the spot we decided that the Detroit Lions would be my team.  The Diplomat was so moved that she swore loyalty to the Lions also.  The Lions' fanbase doubled that day.

The Lions are irresistible.  They have been around since 1930 and have a long history of losing.  The Lions have never even been in a Superbowl and in 2008 the Lions lost all 16 games.  The Lions might be the worst team ever but they are my team and when the Lions surprise the world and win the Superbowl this year then I can stand proud and say my team won the big one. 

What am I saying?  If the NFL lockout continues and there is no season then my beloved Lions can't win their first Superbowl.  I might have to wait an entire year to celebrate with my team.  Is that fair?  Do I deserve this?    

Waiting for my Lions win the Superbowl is only part of my problem with the NFL lockout.  The other problem: What will I do about Fantasy Football?

In case you don't know, I love Fantasy Football.  And in case you don't know what fantasy football is, I'll explain: in Fantasy Football you manage a "fantasy team" made up of a list of real NFL players and you compete against friends who have their own list of players.  Think of it like this: each Sunday we compare how my list of players does versus your list of players.  If my players have a really good week and my running back scores lots of touchdowns and my kicker kicks five field goals and you happen to have a quarterback who throws three interceptions and running back who fumbles twice then I'll probably win.  It's that simple.

But without an NFL season, the real players won't play, so there can be no fantasy league.  I can't live without my Lions and without fantasy.  That's like living without the Diplomat's credit card and beer .  What am I to do?

I have an idea.  Fantasy Fantasy Football. 

Whoa!  Mind-blowing, isn't it?  Fantasy Fantasy Football does not need greedy owners or dog-killing NFL players.  Fantasy Fantasy Football only needs your imagination.  Imagine, in light of an NFL strike, my friends and I could make up our fantasy scores each week.  Brilliant, isn't it? 

Not really.  I can see what would happen.  Week one comes around and everyone says their score is infinity.  It would be a season of ties.  Damn, that doesn't work. 

How about this?  Why not have fantasy scabs to fill the role of NFL players.  Instead of my team being made up of NFL players like Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings, why not sub-in college players into NFL roles?  For that matter, if we're talking fantasy Fantasy Football, then I could substitute my entire NFL line-up with baseball players and when my players hit a homerun, then it would be the equivalent of a touchdown.  Hell, I could use the cast of Glee for my fantasy fantasy team and every time the actors on my team sing I would score points.  Let's take it further.  We could use American Idol and every time Randy says dawg it's a field goal for me.  If Steven Tyler says something perverted, then you score.  Better yet, let's not use figures from American pop culture but let's use Middle Eastern countries.  Think about it.  We draft Middle Eastern countries.  Every country that rebels and overthrows a dictator during the NFL season scores as a touchdown.  That's it!  Now that is brilliant!  I'm working on my draft plan now.  I'd love to have Libya at quarterback, Bahrain and running back and Syria as my wide receiver.  With a team like that, a fantasy fantasy championship is almost certainly assured.  And it might take my mind off my poor Lions who have to wait until 2012 for a Superbowl. 

So who's in?

American Idol Analysis

I have something to confess.

The Diplomat watched American Idol last night.

By chance I was in the room and happened to stay for the full duration. I think this episode was near the end of the season.  I say this because I saw a glimpse of the show in December and the number of contestants filled a stadium.  Last night there were about twenty contestants, half of whom were conspicuously gay men.  Apparently, the relevant votes were already cast and this show amounted to Ryan Seacrest delivering the news of who goes on and who goes home.  The light dimmed. Seacrest called two contestants to the front of the stage.  The contestants held each other.  Seacrest said something like this:

Paul and Brett.

Side by side.

After the nationwide vote.

One of you has made it.

One of you has not.

The person who will continue in the competition.

Based on America's vote.

Is…

Seacrest did this for ten pairs of contestants.  Each dramatic moment was separated by three minutes of dimwitted commercials. 

Here are a few of my observations and comments I have from the show.

I thought the show was about singing.  I saw six minutes of actual singing during the one hour show.  Nine minutes if you include J.Lo's "Get on the Flo'" video that was blatantly advertised at crucial moment.

I was rooting for the vampire heroin ho to win.  I don't think she made the next round but I can't be sure; the Dip switched off before the show ended. 

Steven Tyler squints a lot.  I think he needs glasses.

Ryan Seacrest is a polished dude.  He's too polished.  I think he's CG. 

The funniest moment was a commercial advertising a premiere for a trailer for the movie Water For Elephants.  The premiere of a trailer?   Is that for real?

Final thoughts: 

This is a show about singing without any singing.

Someone is coaching the men in American Idol to be flamboyant.  It's my guess that they are the same folks who produce those HGTV style shows like What Not to Wear.  Honestly, what is up with all the flamboyance?  Please, I invite someone "in the know" to explain this to me.  I’m not talking about flamboyant behavior at a Gay Pride event, I'm talking about the sometimes-fragile sometimes-frilly, overly-excitable antics 24/7.  And why is it such an integral part of mainstream media these days?  Capitalizing on gay flamboyance was original about ten years ago.

America Idol is one long commercial.  I want to know who lobotomized America to watch this crap.  One thing for sure, I'll be tuning in next week with my brain checked at the door. 

 

 

Gonna Build a Cabin in WV

In 2005, we bought 20 acres of land in the mountains of West Virginia with the dream of building a small, remote cabin and turning redneck a few weekends every month.  The land is genuine backcountry: steep and wooded with large rock outcroppings, wild blueberries and bears.  Getting there is not easy.  You drive west from DC for about an hour and half, passing through the metropolises of Frederick and Hagerstown, MD.    About the time you make the left and cross the West Virginia state line, pickup trucks outnumber minivans and the population centers are at the Sheetz gas station and the Bowlerama.  There are two used car dealers with a combined inventory of ten vehicles.  You pass a used tire shop, trailer and backhoe dealer, and a twelve room motel with an adult video shop out front.  When you smell the hickory smoke of the WV barbeque, you are almost there.  You just have to climb a steep gravel road for about three miles.  Back in 2005 we had to park on the shoulder because you couldn’t get so much as a wheelbarrow on the land. 

The first thing we did in 2005 was to take out some trees, do some leveling and put in a short gravel driveway.  With no experience, armed with a chainsaw and a Case backhoe from Rentals Unlimted (great place), I spent a week cutting, digging, and leveling the land so a 20 ton dump truck could deliver about 100 tons of gravel.  By the end of the week I had a 200 foot gravel road.  The entire project cost $3200.  Soon after this we parked a 24-foot Four Winds Lite camper on the land.  We were getting places.

And then Austria called.  The opportunity of a lifetime fell in our laps and we did a fire-sale, everything must go: camper, chainsaw, generator.  The dream of turning redneck was put on hold.

By 2008 I was gettin' hungry for some backwoods.  I asked my dad if he wanted to go to WV and tear some shit up.  A few weeks later were doing dozers and Bobcats.  Over a three week period, we extended the gravel road by 500 feet and roughed in another 1000 feet of trail.  We also took down a few trees to expand our valley view.  It was good to get back out there.  But at the time I was living in Austria and the cabin had to wait. 

Well, now we're back for good and Project Two-Teeth (named after the nice fellow at the local lumber yard) is up and running.  We've started penciling plans on napkins.  My theory is this: anybody can build a cabin with a vault of cash, an armada of contractors, and a fleet of the best equipment.  We're doing this on our own.  It's going to be a learning experience, sure to offer plenty of blog fodder.

I already bought a new chainsaw.  I'm happy with my Stihl MS290 rancher bought at Rentals Unlimited. Our second buy was a camper.  It's a 1997 Sunliner 19.5 footer in great shape.  We parked it on the land last weekend.  Sweet.

Double-gulping it for the drive to WV.

The new camper in position.

Inside the camper.

Here is the diplomat chopping wood.  Hooyah!

Stay tuned for periodic updates on the cabin project.  Going be fun!

Greg

 

Lake Seneca

It's cold here in Maryland, far colder than it ever got in Vienna.  I don't know why it's colder here.  We are farther south here than Austria so it should be warmer.  But, of course, in Austria we lived in the city of Vienna and everyone knows cities are warmer than the suburbs; it's something about concrete and heat-transfer or solar-absorption and hot dog stands.  I can't remember the exact explanation but one thing is for sure, I look outside here and we have a lake and lots of trees and it's cold like the ass end of Pluto.

It was 12 degrees this morning.  Do you know what 12 degrees does that does to thin-skinned, spindly dog who needs to go outside?  If Noodle is on the sofa she hides her face in the blanket.  I tell her three times she's got to do her business and she's already shivering.  She reluctantly gets off the sofa and walks over to me about as fast as a receding glacier.  She looks at the leash like it's a noose and she's on death row.  I put her sweater on her and her legs buckle under the burden of that six-ounce coat.  She doesn't move.  It's her last ditch effort not to go outside.  I tug the leash and off we go.

I don't blame Noodle for hating the cold.  Weekdays at 5am I go outside and start the car for the Diplomat to warm it up before she goes to work.  Last Wednesday I went outside and it was so cold my nipples fell off.  Right away I pressed them back on and they seem to be sticking but I think I got them backward. 

I don't mean to complain about the cold because I'm happy to have it.  With cold comes snow and ice and for a few months of the year our view is transformed.  The lake and the state park afford me a great opportunity to head out for a run or cross-county ski.  I've made it a habit to bring my camera.  I thought you might enjoy a few of my winter pictures. 

Winter Photos

I'm Thrilled

I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled like you get when you're having a tooth pulled or you've got poison ivy on your schnitzel. Why? It's because our relocation stateside has put me in close, intimate contact with many of America's finest industries: the home improvement industry (carpet installers, hardware stores, paint dealers, appliance shops), too many technology companies to count (cell phone, software, cable and internet), also the retail industry, I've been buying insurance, refinancing our mortgage and purchasing two cars. Normally you have a handful of these transactions per month but I'm getting a four year dose in a few weeks. It's tough to take. But when you restart your life after four years abroad you pretty much start from scratch. Sadly, this kind of scratch does nothing against that annoying ivy itch. (That metaphor is a big stretch and if you think it's a failed metaphor, I won't argue.) 
 
The entire process of dealing with nearly 1000 imbeciles is a nightmare. I wake up at night haunted by computer-voices asking me to push 1 for new customers, push 2 for commercial accounts, push 3 for problems with your bill and all I want to push $#%* and tell someone to shove it up their ass. I'm not going to bore you with details of ten terrible customer service calls because I know you've all been there. But I will give you a brief excerpt from a real online chat transcript between me and the cable company as I tried to locate my "free router" that was a no show after a month. Keep in mind that prior to this chat session I called the company three times to find out where my free router was and each time no one had a record of my order and I had to re-do it each time. Also, realize that between every line of chat below was a one minute wait and a lot of swearing by me.
This is the real transcript – I have not done any of my usual embellishment.
 
user greg has entered room
Greg>i want to know what the status is of the router i ordered
analyst Rex has entered room
Rex> Hello greg_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Rex. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Rex> Hello Gerg, We appreciate that you are giving us a chance to resolve your issue today. By the way, how are you in this lovely day? I hope you are doing great.
greg_> good thanks
Rex> After reading your concern let me make sure I got it correctly. I understand that you check on your order for our router, am I right?
greg_> yes
Rex> So sorry to hear what has happened let me help you out on this issue today.
Rex> I know how frustrating that could be. I understand were you're coming from. Not to worry, I will be more than happy to assist you and work with you hand in hand with your concern today.
Rex> Greg, we do have a dedicated line for order entry and follow ups on the router.
Rex> They are able to trace it down for you.
Rex> Would you like me to get you there?
greg_> yes
Rex> Perfect.
Rex> But before that Greg let me get the following from you, if you don't mind?
Rex>Your Name
Your Address
Your Billing Phone Number
Your Account Number
greg_> (I give my name address and phone here).
greg_> i don't know my acct number
Rex> Thank you so much Greg for that information, that does help me a lot.
Rex> By the way, before we end this part of the chat, let me remind you of the things that we have done on this chat today.
greg_> i dont' need a reminder thx
Rex> You had chatted in because you wanted to check on the status of your router order, I resolve your issue by getting your information to our sales department for routers
greg_> i just want to know when my router is coming - i've been wiating for a month
Rex> Greg, it has been my pleasure serving you today and I truly appreciate your understanding and cooperation.
Rex> Would there be anything else that I can help you? I will be glad to assist you further.
greg_> you haven't resloved the issue
Rex> My apologies, let me get you there Greg
Rex> Hang on
Rex>Happy to help you, Greg. Have a good one.
greg_> WHAT IS THE STATUS OF MY ROUTER?
analyst Michelle has entered room
Rex> Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst
Michelle> My pleasure to have you on chat! I always remain committed and focused to provide you quality customer service at my fullest effort. In line with this, we do promise to provide you the best service you deserve. Before anything else, may I ask how was your day going so far?
analyst Rex has left room
greg_> it's going downhill very fast
 
This went on for about 20 more lines.
 
This transcript is hardly a revelation. We all know that phone and chat service is inadequate, but what about an in person service issue? Well, I can tell you that is no better. I recently visited my local Ford Dealer about a warranty claim on my 2007 Ranger.
 
About 1500 miles into my 2000 mile dealership-offered used car warranty I took my Ranger in because on hills (even small hills) the truck (an automatic) rolls backwards in Drive. When I'm sitting on a hill and I switch my foot from the brake to the accelerator, if I'm not lightning quick, I'll roll back two feet. Imagine driving a standard up Lombard Street. It's just like that but I've got an automatic and I'm in Germantown.
 
Enter "Brandon" the Ford service manager. Smiley. Nice tie. I'm thinking douche bag. "So," I tell Brandon, "I'm at the end of my warranty and I have this roll back problem." Brandon listened to my argument until my first pause.
 
"It happens on all cars," he tells me.
 
"No way," I say. "Not like this." After a bit of back and forth he said he would demonstrate how roll back is standard on all cars. Brandon and I load up in some forgettable sedan and he drives to the biggest hill within a mile of the dealership. I'm worried because although my truck would roll back on such a hill, I wasn't sure his sedan would. Well, he pulled up the hill, took his foot off the gas (still in drive) and the car held perfectly still. 
 
"There you have it," I told him. "Now fix my car." 
 
Brandon rubbed his chin. I noticed a cut on his cheek, probably from shaving, but definitely not relevant to this story. Brandon says: "You have a Ford Ranger. We didn’t test a Ford Ranger. The only way to know for sure is to test a Ranger." 
 
"Get one," I said.
 
On the lot was 2009 Ford Ranger, V6 like mine, 3 liter, just like mine. It was even Red like mine. The truck held the hill like a champ. That's two cars that held the hill but Brandon was not convinced. He wanted to see how my car did on the hill. 
 
We should have started there. 
 
My Ranger was parked in front of the showroom pointing at a very memorable jet black Lincoln Navigator with alloy wheels that looked like ship from The Last Starfighter. Sweet. Brandon was sitting shotgun and I told him to buckle up, this truck ain't safe. "Ever see someone back out of a parking spot in drive?" I asked. Although I was facing the showroom, I put the car in drive and took my foot on the brake. We didn't go forward, we rolled backward from the parking space as if I were in reverse. When I was pointing the correct way, I gave it some gas and off we went. "Convinced?" I asked him.
 
No. Brandon the jackwagon wanted to do the hill. The hill that was about 20 percent steeper than my parking spot! Of course I'm thinking, if my car just rolled backward in the parking spot don't you think it will also roll backward from the big hill, you jackwagon? Did I say jackwagon? I like saying jackwagon. 
 
Well, just I expected my car rolled back down the hill fast and hard. Brandon had no choice. He had to fix it. But 24 hours later he called me to say there is nothing wrong with my truck. I suggested they put that Navigator behind me and let me put my truck in drive. Brandon didn't laugh. He began a two-minute well-prepared lecture on all the hard work they did which included computer tests, all sorts of tests, they used the phone and called Ford, they even searched all the service bulletins. His final words, however: 'Your truck is normal.' Brandon even said the only way to know my truck was truly faulty was to get a minimum of ten identical 2007 3 liter V6's with red paint and test them. He honestly said this. (Okay, he didn't mention the red paint.) Well, after about a half an hour of me screaming, Brandon said he'd look into it further. 
 
Then something magical happened. Brandon called me the next day and they were very, very happy. He told me everything would be okay. He had decided to do a very expensive replacement of the torque converter. Wow! How reasonable and fair! Why the change of heart? 
 
The reason, as it turns out is, is that the dealer realized they would not have to pay. Not only did my truck have the dealer-offered 2000 mile used car warranty but the truck also had a few hundred miles on the original warranty, something I did not know. This meant the dealer would not have pay but Ford Motor Co. would. 
 
Suddenly, my truck was indeed broken.
 
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is strictly an American thing. This happens everywhere, I'm just sooooo reminded of it lately. I know there's little we can do about it except vent. Well, that's not quite true. Take a look at how these Belgian guys got back at Big Business. It's genius.

 

Crazy December

So, Happy New Year, everyone!

After four years in Austria we are back in the US and very happy here. We returned in early December and spent a few weeks working on our house (with much appreciated help from my parents who drove from Florida). The house has new paint and new carpet from top to bottom. We also replaced most of the fixtures, a few appliances, all the outlet covers and a smelly toilet. All the work was self-done except the carpet install, and all of it was completed with less that 100 trips to Home Depot. Hard to believe, eh? I can't say the place looks great yet because our furniture arrived at the end of December and there are still too many unpacked boxes. In fact, it's so crowded I have to hold a stack of lamp shades when I'm on the toilet. Sometimes I find it easier if I balance them on my head. If all goes well, our place will be like a brand new home in a few weeks. For now I'll post a few pictures during the transformation you can see my Mom who did all the designing, and my Dad who was master painter.

The last month hasn't only been about home repair and unpacking. In our crazy-insane-facepaced-whirlwind December we bought two vehicles (I bought a truck and the Diplomat bought a Mini Clubman), we bought cell phones, got Comcast Cable installed (a massive undertaking in itself) and I managed to explore most of my favorite running trails. That's just the start. We also made a holiday road trip to SC and GA and visited family we haven't seen for years. We ate some really great food, had plently of laughs, and realized our nieces grew a foot and a half while we were away. Can you believe the Mini Clubman got 50 mpg during the drive? It's true.

So, what's the future of my blog? Well, I have enjoyed doing it. I've had a lot of feedback from people who want me to continue. Therefore, I will be returning to regular blogging.

Be well out there,
Greg
 
 

Preparing to paint our home office.

Parents painting the basement.

The dog helping.

Dad in the living room.

New carpet has arrived.  That's mom and dad waving.

Here is the diplomat and my mom on our land in West Virginia.  I'm looking forward to building a cabin there soon.

The temporary "office".

Boxing with my dad on the Wii at my brother's house.  (I got my ass kicked.)

Sunset on the lake by our house.

First load of furniture!

Our messy kitchen.

A few red foxes walking on thin ice on the lake.

Our beautiful lake...